husband away on business

15 Thoughts Mom’s Have When Their Husbands Are Away On Business…

By | Relationships | One Comment

Waving goodbye to my husband as he goes off for yet another business trip, a myriad of thoughts pass through my brain.

They really are a progression of thoughts starting from the ones where I am seriously pissed off, moving to the ones when I am almost elated. At this point he has reached the car, and when he turns back I am grinning from ear to ear and waving like a monkey.

He thinks it’s because I am happy for him, when actually I may just be happy for me. Let me share my progression of thoughts with you, as this is what many moms feel when their husbands walk out the door on another conveniently timed business trip.

1.    Is it really business?

We all have this thought at some point, even the most faithful mothers. It is somehow just wired into the insecurity of our DNA to assume that at some point he may actually be cheating. Then we start listing our flaws and the things we should change, and if you are like me, your imagination runs so far away that you are actually holding the conversation with him that you would have upon catching him in the act. I mean yes I’m overweight have stretch marks and should probably have called back to see if coolsculpting cost singapore was something we could actually afford, but would he really cheat on me?

I can see it right now in my head, and exactly how the scene would play out.

We are shouting, and he looks guilty as I’m sending some sharp piercing words towards him which hit his chest in an explosion of successful and alarmingly bloody motions. And just when I am about to deliver my knockout blow, his mouth suddenly says “mama” and I’m like no way, this is not part of my fantasy! I shake my head and look down to see a trail of Cornflakes and my 2 year old soaked in milk. Breakfast time!

2.    Why does he get to go and I get stuck with the kids?

Business trips should include kids. I mean seriously, the only business I get to do is the occasional session on the porcelain and even then I have to take my kids with me. I would love to dress up in a fancy suit and go off with a briefcase to only God knows where to discuss only God knows what, that simply could not be done over the telephone.

Hello people, conference calling! And off he goes into the rising sunlight whilst I wipe snot off my child’s face in the hopes that it will come off my 6 year old holey nightie.  As I watch him drive off, I think to myself that I need to get a petition going that categorically states that there should be a “fathers take kids on a business trip” initiative.

3.    Am I going to cope?
Being home alone with the kids has its mundane moments, but it is the not so mundane moments that get to me. It is the moments where it is 5am and the kids are up and ready, but are far too little to be left unsupervised in the house, and far too old to shove on the boob in the hope that they will go back to bed.

It is the moment where I have two birthday parties to go to, both starting at the same time. I get the kids in the car and start the engine, and remember I forgot the presents. Running back inside I debate the safety of leaving my children in a car with the engine running and the keys in the ignition.

Locking the door again, I jump into the car and am about to pull off when dear child number 2 screams “Wee Wee!” I force her to cop a squat on the pavement in the hope that nobody is watching. Right, the children are buckled and we are out the gate when child number 1 shouts, “Mom I forgot my hat!” I say to myself that I should tell him to forget the damn hat, but I hear myself saying the opposite simply to avoid a meltdown. At this point I am sure that I will probably never cope doing this all alone, as I have been far too spoiled with a husband.

4.    Breathe! Stay in control!

All moms can attest to the time when little Stuart threw his Plush fish toy down the toilet so that Nemo could go home! Or the time when Sophie shoved all the bright crayons in every orifice of her body so that she could have a rainbow inside of her. And we all know how this seems to happen in the worst of moments, like when hubby is away. And it is at this point, when one child is screaming, the other is crying and the nerves are failing – that I think, bloody hell do not lose it!

Finally on the way to the party, I tell myself that I can do it and single moms do this all the time. But single moms do not have my kids! And my kids are hectic. Child 1 is now asking bizarre questions about where baby cows come from. I tell him that a daddy cow puts it there, to which he argues is impossible as a daddy cow has no hands! Child 2 is singing nonsensical songs which at any other time would be cute, but right now is killing me. I am sure that I am breaking the speed limit but I hesitate to check. Breathe in and out, I tell myself.

5.    Bet he is having great adult time!

By the time I am at the final event of the day, bitterness has started to sink in. At all the kiddie functions one can go to, there may be mums and other adults, but they are not on a normal adult plain at that point! I can hear adults around me reducing themselves to midgets as they kneel down and say things like “Does booboo wanna go poopoo on the potty!?” I mean seriously, I know that we need to meet our kids on their levels, but sometimes I just wanna meet an adult on an adult level! I bet my husband and all husbands around the world simply love their adult time, even if it is random business talk about stocks, shares and the latest electronic gadget.

But I too want to talk about these random things without Susie tugging at my stocking, clinging to my high heels and throwing a major tantrum because I packed the Barney bottle and not the Doc McStuffins one. In my head I start to drift off to my comfort spot where I am sitting beside the fire writing this article and sipping my wine.

6.    Now I can’t drink my bloody wine!

It would be incredibly irresponsible of me to drink any form of alcohol whilst my husband is away. I start to imagine being slightly tipsy and slipping in the bath, or passing out in bed and the kids waking up without me being aware of it.

That certainly would be bad parenting, I mean it’s is just a no-no right….right? Argh, I bet husband is drinking a super decent cocktail right now and here I am at a birthday party singing farm songs around a cake that looks like a pigs backside. And I can’t even have my wine.

7.    Bastard gets to sleep through the night.

My biggest grievance in my long thought process is the fact that he will come home and tell me how exhausted he is from travelling and attending all the meetings. He will expect me to look at him lovingly and bat my eyelids in understanding – which I will do. But in my head all I can think is that I have not clue what the hell he is on about, he got to sleep the night through! Solid! And more than one night at that!

8.    You better phone me!

Thinking about him being tired and sleeping the night through takes me back to thought process number one, and again I begin to wonder if he is tired because he was doing something else all night. Suddenly I have this urge to phone him, but it’s barely even lunch time and he hasn’t been gone long. I start to talk to him in my head, willing him to phone me! If he does I will be amazed and certainly take up telepathy as a hobby.

9.    My business doesn’t allow me a moment off, let alone a trip!

Jealousy is definitely a factor in most mothers’ minds when they are left alone with the kids. We know that deep down we will miss our kids deeply if we had to leave them. But we also know that we need a break too. If only being a mother included fancy trips to the spa and massage parlour. Or a coffee date with people that were willing to discuss something else other than their children. But do not ask me to get a job; I couldn’t bear to actually be away from my kids.

10.   What the hell am I going to do with the kids!

It’s amazing how fast kids can move through activities that in your head, you had planned to last at least an hour each. My kids of course go through every puzzle, drawing activity and outside game imaginable all in one day. That leaves a bunch load of days till husband gets home and a bunch less activities to do. Some mums are organised and have an itinerary of events planned for their little ones, but other moms are more normal and wing it as they go. I certainly am one of those moms and by the third day I am calling up people I swore I wouldn’t socialise with, just to have an excuse to get out of the house.

11.   Ooh the television is all mine!

Once the kids are in bed, couples often settle down to watch a few shows on television. Most nights for us include gold diving, gold digging, Alaska and fishing. Sounds like the perfect concoction of the ideal couples evening right? Ha! Not so much. No, hubby is away and I am inviting Richard Gere, Channing Tatum and that new guy Ansel Elgort. Movie time and the tissues are ready!

12.   I can eat what I want!

Like most mums and wives, I generally try to eat healthy especially when my husband is around. It is not a pretty sight to see a woman engorging themselves on chocolate, chips and the likes simply because they can and likewise for husbands. So now that he is away, the chocolate (and NOT the sugar free one) is out and so is the ice-cream.

13.  I am not cooking!

Frozen pizza, toasted sandwiches and a whole bunch of oven chips is exactly what I plan to feed my little army. Healthy foods and home cooked meals are reserved for weekdays; being home without a husband calls for a change in routine! Goodbye treadmill, hello elasticised tracksuit pants and welcome chocolate! (If I cannot have my wine, I am going to have my Lindt!)

14.   Do not phone me!

Midway through my favourite film, the part where Noah is about to tell Ali that he did write her letters for a whole year, my pants begin to vibrate. And not the “getting lucky” kind of vibrate, but the “husband is calling” vibrate. And suddenly I find myself thinking, do not phone me! I am finally in the zone where the kids are in bed, the coffee is hot and the chocolate is ready – and then he decides to phone! I mean how inconsiderate.

15.   Come back!

The movie ends and suddenly I feel all emotional and certainly sorry for myself. Come back, I begin to think. I quickly run to check the clock and I see it has only been 12 hours since he left. Hmm, what the hell do I do now! I too have run the course of going through every activity that I had planned, including a movie and good food. And like every mother who has a husband away on business, I begin to pine for him. And for the next 78 hours I feel sorry for myself, as ultimately all mothers do when their husbands are away. And in the morning when I wake up at 5am, I know that I am going to start again at thought number one – is it really business?

moms-get-in-the-pool

Mom’s…..Get In The God Dam Pool!

By | Mums | No Comments

As mothers we often judge ourselves harshly. There is barely a moment to hug and kiss your child, in between PB&J sandwiches, food wars and laundry. I am not entirely sure where in all of his I am supposed to fit in a gym session.

moms-get-in-the-pool

So sitting at a birthday party, feeling sorry for my size 40 ass (12 in US size!), I scoff down all the delicious cakes and brownies on offer. I even throw in a strawberry for good healthy measure. I am thoroughly enjoying myself when it begins…..

“Ah, I really think I should join the gym”

“Have you heard about that new fitness program on offer?”

“Yes I am TOTALLY keen to join” she says, subtly dropping the brownie on to the floor for the dog to eat up.

“I am so unhappy with my weight…”

“I feel so fat…”

“Did you see so and so lost so much weight, bitch!”

And so the conversations go on for the contingent of the birthday party.

I now feel bad for scoffing down all the wonders on my plate and possibly need a crash course on how to stop blushing.

As if I had never seen sugar before and also wish I had taken up the offer to visit Essex Body Care – surely I would be feeling far more relaxed now! And the worst of it is, these are mostly the size 36 mothers right down to the 32’s. I mean really, as if a mother in a size 32 needs to go to gym!

My son recently had a swimming event which the school called a water safety day. It required the mothers to jump in the pool with their 4 year olds, and teach them how to get back to the wall should they fall in. The thinnest of mothers were in wetsuits and t-shirts in the pool – in Summer! And they were equally embarrassed about their size as any of the other mothers were.

So much so, that I did not even get into the pool and in fact went as a spectator.

But who is this supreme court waiting for all mothers to show their stuff, so that they can pass judgement? it is us, fellow mothers that are unhappy with what being pregnant and breastfeeding has done to us.

Yes before I fell pregnant I was a size 36, and I didn’t weigh all that much. Two kids later I tipped the scales at 102 kgs and a size 44 waistline. And the saddest part of all, is that my family suffered. Suffered because I lacked confidence, felt insecure and thought any woman thinner than me had to be a total bitch – come on ladies you know we judge this way!

But who was watching? Which mother has time to judge another mother’s size, when they are running around kids, a household and a job. Perhaps the little twenty-somethings that have never had kids?

I am a twenty something, in fact I am 28 with saggy tits, stretch marks and one hell of a belly apron. And I feel old and fat next to any girl my age with perky breasts and a flat belly – but she hasn’t had kids, and soon enough she will feel just like we all do. Judged, and unattractive.

But ladies, we need to pull ourselves towards ourselves – these stretch marks, saggy boobs and apron stomachs are the result of a war that we fought so tremendously.

Those black rings under your eyes are a trophy, because you were able to not only make a baby, but carry it to full term. I have had a miscarriage, and you feel like you are to blame,

A dear friend of mine is 27 and cannot have children, has had one failed IVF and has not a cent more to try again. Another sweet friend is 28 and has gone against all her beliefs and is now seeing a homeopath in sheer desperation to fall pregnant. And if we had to say to them that all it would take to fall pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term would be a flabby belly, saggy boobs and stretch marks – what do you think they’ll say?

So come on moms, it really is time we appreciate our war wounds and scars and cherish the miracles that we have been able to have. I may be big, uncomfortable in my size and insecure – but I have 2 healthy children, a husband and a job. Who honestly gives a damn about the size of my pants other than me? Its not like it was a question on my job application!

I am scarred. I am stretched. I am a mother, but next time I intend to get in the god dam pool!

hack21

20 Genius Hacks Every Parent Needs To Know

By | Useful | No Comments

The summer holidays are over – thank god! To be honest it’s been an absolute nightmare!! Things got so bad at one point I had to employ the services of a Brisbane Cleaning company just to keep the state of my home acceptable! Throughout the holidays I learnt a lot of genius hacks to not only keep the kids entertained, but also under control!!

ENJOY…… 

hack1

1. Use A Pool Noodle To Stop Your Kids Falling Out Of Bed.

Cheap and effective, this beats splurging on plastic sides for your bed.

hack2

2. Get The Pizza Cutter

Using a pizza cutter is a far more efficient way to slice up food for your child.

hack3

3. Reuse The Crib

Turn an unwanted cot into an art station for your kids.

hack4

4. Use Leggings Instead Of Socks

Tired of your child pulling off their socks? Try leggings instead.

hack5

5. Cardboard Boxes

Put your child in a cardboard box with a box of crayons, and kick back and relax as they spend hours decorating.

hack6

7. Pacifier Medicine Dispenser

This little gadget makes giving medicine much easier.

hack8

8. Shoe Organiser

Keep toys tidy by using a shoe organiser.

hack9

9. Elastic On Doors

Using an elastic band on a door can stop a child from locking themselves in a room.

hack10

10. Floor Mops

Get your little one involved in the house cleaning.

hack11

11. Put Pool Noodles On Doors

Pool noodles make fantastic door stoppers and protect little fingers from being squashed.

hack12

12. Use Elastics On Your Cupboard Doors

Cheaper and easier to install, this keeps your little ones out of your cupboards.

hack13

13. Make A Bracelet With Your Numbers On It

If your child gets lost, this bracelet can help them be found.

hack14

14. Use A Lint Roller To Clean Up Arts & Crafts Mess

Instead of struggling with a broom, use a lint roller to clean up glitter and art stuff left over.

hack15

15. Make Washing Hands Easy

Use a plastic container to make washing hands easier for little ones.

hack16

16. Use Old DVD Boxes For Art Storage

This quick and easy pencil case is great fun for kids on the go.

hack17

17. Buy A Very Big T-Shirt

Stop the fighting and make the punishment unbearable with this shared t-shirt.

hack18

18. Put A Ping Pong Ball In The Toilet

Putting a ping pong ball in the toilet helps your little guy learn to aim when potty training.

hack20

19. Make Lunch And Freeze It

Save yourself time on the school run with frozen sandwiches that will defrost in your kids lunch bags.

hack21

20. Buy A Very Big T-Shirt

Stop the fighting and make the punishment unbearable with this shared t-shirt.

child taking drugs

5 Ways To Find Out If Your Child Is Using Drugs

By | Health | No Comments

It’s every parents nightmare, it really is.

You suspect your child is using drugs and you set out to try and prove it.

You want to be wrong but there have been little changes in their behavior and appearance that you are suspicious of.

Teenage boy with drugs

I have no first hand experience of this (fortunately) but a close friend who deals with this every day working for The House Of Recovery a drug and alcohol rehab center very kindly sat down with me for an interview. I asked her what the tell tale signs were – the below is what she said:

1. Is your child bunking school or shirking obligations? This could be from other problems, but make sure that you know where your child is at all times.

2. Is your child suddenly highly anti-social? Keeping a good line of communication open lets you know what’s current in your child’s world.

3. Are they having extreme mood swings or emotional outbursts frequently? This is another sign of drug addiction and withdrawal symptoms often express this way.

4. Is your child socializing with undesirable company? The company your child keeps can allow them exposure to drugs and is a possible sign of drug addiction.

5. Has your child undergone a sudden and extreme personality shift? Drugs often wreak neurological havoc on our brains and this can be a symptom of drug addiction.

men bad at housework

Why Is My Husband Rubbish At Housework?!!!

By | General | No Comments

With the kids off and my full time job extremely hectic the last thing I wanted to come home to over the last couple of weeks was a disorganized house!

Don’t get me wrong, my husband Phil is fantastic at home – he cooks, washes up and is absolutely brilliant with the kids, but when it comes to the housework he is absolutely useless!!

Sometimes I think he would fail to dust if I presented him with an electric duster!

So what are the real reasons that men are so bad at housework?

1. It’s Human Nature!

Sadly it was engraved in our DNA that it was the men that should go out and bring home the bacon and the women should stay at home and keep everything in order.

I think most would agree the women staying at home bit is most definitely not common, unfortunately although men now see their income and time spent at work matched by their partners it’s been engraved into them they still shouldn’t be doing any housework!!

2. Inability To Multitask

I’m obviously biased by can men honestly multi task as well as women? I honestly have never seen any evidence of it and believe it’s a good reason men are crap at housework!

3. There cleverer than they look?

Do a lot of men do a particularly bad job because they know they will be taken off the detail? My guess is yes and women just fall into the trap!

housework

4. They obviously don’t like love making!

It’s been proven that couples who share the housework make love more often. If your husband or partner is shirking his housework responsibilities he obviously doesn’t like the love!

Can you think of anymore ladies? Men……what have you got to say for yourselves? Opinions and thoughts in the comments section please!

 

 

rio games

With the Olympics Drawing To A Close Here Are 5 Reasons To Love Brasil

By | Useful | No Comments

I didn’t think I was going to watch the Olympics this year, there was so much controversy before it started it put a bit of a dampener on it.

The Russian doping scandal, construction workers tragically killed whilst building the stadiums and the disease issue was obviously not the best of starts but as we go into the final weekend I can report I have thoroughly enjoyed it.

The excitement, heartache, joy & happiness of these talented athletes that train for 4 year for one competition provides excellent viewing.

My only disappointment has been the emptiness of some of the stadiums.

Since Brasil is firmly on the world’s minds I thought it would be appropriate to write a post outlining 5 reasons everyone should love Brasil:

1. Amazing Climate:

The country enjoys good climate and weather all year round. You will appreciate the sunny and warm climate that makes the outdoors conducive.

2. Panoramic Views:

Brasil is home to many natural and manmade features. These include mountains, the ocean, jungles, monuments, historical building and much more. Ever heard of the Christ the Redeemer statue?

3. Shopping:

Do you know that Brasil is among the fasted growing economies in the word? Due to this, the region is experiencing a boom in shopping malls like the Roberto Santiago Manaira Shopping centre, which is a prime example of the excellent shopping facilities available.

nightlife brasil

4.Partying:

Brasil is home to Samba, Forro, Bossa Nova and other music genres. The country is also renowned for its many carnivals.

5.Wildlife:

Due to being in the Amazon region, Brasil enjoys great biodiversity. You can go for safari walks, nature trails, birdwatching, marine expedition and much more.

 

Pay-Off-Debt

Struggling With Debt – My Story

By | Money | No Comments

It’s been a long, painful road to debt recovery for myself and my family. There have been some really hard times, where we were literally worrying about where the money was going to come from to put food on the table for the kids. Both myself and my husband would regularly miss meals and we haven’t had a holiday for 10 years. I want to personally thank Robert Semrad for all his excellent advice and help, without it I’m not sure where we would be.

For those of you who find yourself in the same boat, here is some of the excellent advice provided by Robert.

Pay more than the minimum

Getting out of debt is one to make payments that are more than the minimum payments given. Paying the exact amount stipulated may lead you taking a very long time repaying them or becoming a defaulter in bad months. It is, therefore, safer to pay extra each time as much as you can afford.

AY7AXR man holds head in hands, credit cards bills money for debt

Wise use of unexpected money

The budgeting should not include additional payments speculated at the end of the month since their timing and amounts are not guaranteed. Any amount received unexpectedly should be used to settle debts as a priority. Examples of funds that may be received and should not be budgeted for are the bonuses and dividends payout.

Second Job

Get yourself a second job that will enable you to use any given opportunity to raise extra money for petty cash expenditures. The second job will help you stay debt free since most supplements are achievable through shift hour working.

One debt at a time

At times your debt is spread over various accounts it is advisable that you pay one debt at a time other that attempting to repay all bit by bit.

Creditors’ negotiation

It is always good to negotiate with the creditors as you plan to get out of bad debt. Make sure you prioritize your expenses and pay those that are of importance.

cuddle baby

No, I do not want to cuddle your baby!

By | Parenting Advice | No Comments

Having gotten married so young and having kids so young, makes you feel old, especially when your friends are just getting engaged or getting married. In fact, there are only a few girls from school that have even had babies – and I have had two. And now when I hear my dear friends talking about trying for baby number one, or that they are considering baby number two, I simply cannot share their joy. Seeing them begin their journey elicits a response in me that I am now only beginning to understand.

Perhaps you think I am just miserable and you should direct me to the nearest bridge so that I can just get it over with, but then I won’t be able to drink my wine. In fact this is probably why I drink wine, because it is all over. I have become a mother. I have rushed through it. And I have done it alone whilst my friends were still out partying and doing whatever. And no I would never have joined them on those party buses even if I was single, but I do wish I was joining them on the parenting bus now.

The newborn nappies and nerve-wracking bath times, the breastfeeding and dummies, the little onesies and shopping in the baby section – it is all over! We are now answering questions about the facts of life and wiping bottoms smeared in adult-like faeces. There is no more newborn baby that desperately needs me. And as I write this I do feel sad. It is hard for a mother to accept that the baby days she waited so longingly for are now over. And yes you say that I have two beautiful children, and I agree! It just happened so quickly!

But I miss the smell of baby powder, and the feeling of my milk letting down so that I can feed my newborn. I even miss the moments when the baby was screaming and we were clueless – and you ask me why, and I tell you because it is all gone. I can’t have it back.

So I really would prefer it if you did not ask if I wanted to cuddle your baby. It will not cure my broodiness or make me feel better. In fact it will do quite the opposite. It will cause a ripple effect that follows me home and into my husband’s arms, where I cry and beg for one last baby. But I know that it is time to move on and enjoy life with two preschoolers, and I will. But keep your baby away from me!

seawick holiday park

6 Best Holiday Parks In The UK For Families

By | Useful | No Comments

Brynteg Caravan holiday Home Park

brynteg caravan park

The park offers a range of stunning static caravans and a selection of deluxe holiday lodges for sale, something that will suit your lifestyle and pocket. They have a spectacular lake with lakeside bistro, and facilities such as leisure complex, SPA café, beauty salon, indoor tropical pool, country club restaurant and bar.

Devon cliffs Holiday Park 

devon cliffs

This is a 5 star holiday park that is nestled on the cliffs of Jurassic coast world heritage site. The sand beach below it is directly accessed from Devon cliff. The park boasts an indoor pool, a multi-level pool complex, luxury spa, as well as a variety of other activities including; archery, ice skating, abseiling, and laser combat. Besides that, it has a range of restaurants and bars with almost 24 hour entertainment.

Perran Sands Holiday Park

perran sands

The holiday park has untamed beaches of Cornwall making it a surfer’s paradise. It offers heated indoor and outdoor pools, sports court, paintball, kart hire, adventure golf, and nature walks to explore Cornwall’s natural beauty.

Seawick Holiday Park

seawick holiday park

It is situated near a number of beaches and offers guests the opportunity to really experience Essex’s beautiful coastlines. It has a direct access to St Osyth beach where guests are welcomed to make use of any of the facilities. There is a selection of heated pools, restaurants, adventure playgrounds, on-site fun fair cherry that is on the top.

Bideford bay holiday park

bideford bay holiday park

 

The beach is surrounded by a peaceful woodland area offering guests the perfect combination of natural beauty and array of activities to ensure they are in a holiday spirit. Guests can relax at the bath, head to heated pools, or experience the excitement of flume. Nearby the park, there are horseracing facilities to explore the area.

Peppermint Holiday Park

Peppermint Holiday Park

This rural scenery is surrounded by beaches, lakes, sand dunes and close to popular Torquay. It is one of the top coastal holiday parks with added convenience of choosing between an on-site holiday home or bringing your own caravan with the pet friendly atmosphere.

moms-lie-2

20 Cruel & Funny Lies Parents Told Their Kids

By | Funny | No Comments

moms-lie-2

Most kids believe their parents would never lie to them. This allows parents everywhere the chance to tell their kids some seriously messed up and hilarious lies, just for the fun of it. Well, that’s definitely one perk of having kids!

1.       “I ate all your Halloween candy.”

You can thank Jimmy Kimmel for this horrible yearly lie that parent’s tell their kids just for a laugh. How cruel!

2.       “When the ice cream truck is playing music, it means they have sold out of ice cream.”

This may just be the cruellest lie of them all.

3.       “If you swallow watermelon seeds, a watermelon will grow in your stomach.”

The same concept can be used for any fruit with seeds, but come to think of it, why not just let them eat the whole thing!

4.       “When weird noises are coming from our bedroom, Mom and Dad are jumping on the bed.”

If I need to explain this one, you are too young to understand it anyway.

5.       “Money doesn’t grow on trees.”

Technically, money is actually trees, but we totally get where you’re coming from with this one. Perhaps we should change it to “Money does grow on trees, but soon there’ll be no trees left…unless you clean your room”. That’ll grab their attention!

6.       “Eating raw cookie dough gives you worms.”

I still sort of believe this one. THE LIES!

7.       “Elmo is sad because you didn’t take a nap.”

This is sure to guilt-trip any Sesame Street fan into a nap.

8.       “Sitting too close to the T.V makes your eyes go square.”

As a grown up, square eyes sound pretty cool, don’t they?!

9.       “Princesses always pick up their toys when they’re finished playing.”

Who knows, this one could totally be true!

10.   “Mannequins are really shoplifters who now have to stay completely still forever.”

A little creepy but totally worth well-behaved little shoppers.

11.   “This isn’t Coca Cola, it’s black coffee. You won’t like it!”

Basically you can say anything is coffee and most kids will stay clear of it.

12.   “If you’re naughty, Santa will put reindeer poop in your Christmas stocking.”

It’s a lot stinker than coal and no one wants a handful of fresh reindeer turds on Christmas morning.

13.   “Fluffy went to a big farm where he can run and play all day long.”

Losing a pet is always hard, but this white lie softens the blow.

14.   “If you lie your nose will grow.”

Oh, come on! At least be original when you lie instead of copying a famous Disney movie.

15.   “The T.V only works when it’s raining.”

The perfect lie for a lazy child.

16.   “Harry Styles hates girls who don’t listen to their parents. Now, go brush your teeth and don’t forget to floss.”

This is one way to take advantage of that 1D obsession.

17.   “If you swallow your gum, you will fart bubbles.”

50% of kids will be terrified. The other 50% will try it immediately.

18.   “There’s alcohol in this chocolate so you can’t have any.”

Too bad there’s alcohol in all of your mom’s favourite snacks, hey kids!

19.   “If you don’t believe, the police will come and take you away.”

Prepare for instant best behaviour!

20.   “It’s illegal for kids under 16 to have candy.”

This works pretty well, just make sure they don’t start spreading this lie around at a birthday party.

Boom! Those are some of the funniest lies ever told by parents, and what a trip down memory lane it was. Time to call up your parents and finally call them out on all the lies!